Wednesday, August 24, 2016

State of Affairs

"Every day, women are winning battles that no one knows anything about." (paraphrased from a blog I follow).

How true this is. Cancer, infertility, loss-of any kind.

The thing about loss is that most of the time people talk about a person that they lost. We talk about the people we lose all the time. What we don't talk about, at least not very often, if the loss of the life we thought we would have.

When we lose that image, that future that we've built for ourselves it hurts. Not a lot, at first, not as much as we thought, because there is still hope. Hope makes a protective barrier around our hearts, our souls, for a time at least. And while we still have that barrier, that hope, we are still mostly ourselves.

At some point, and this is different for different people, that barrier begins to thin. After so long, after so long of trying to get our lives back on track, hope begins to dim. This sounds terrible, doesn't it? It sounds absolutely soul-crushing. And it is.

What happens to some people is that they let the hope. They let the barrier become permeated with darkness and despair. They think it is the end. That there is no more hope. And they're right-there may not be any more hope for the life they want. 

What should be done, what I hope happens to me, is that even if I lose that hope at the beginning, I want to be the kind of person who hopes for a different future. One that is not filled with despair. I hope that I can be the person who learns to live with the new pathway, the new kind of life that has been given, whether it was I had thought for myself or not. I hope I can be her.

Right now, I still have that first barrier. There is still hope. There is still hope that what I want most in the world, what my heart bleeds for, is still possible. I hope that I can keep that hope, longer than what my brain tells me I should.  I hope that, even if I lose the life I thought I would have, that I am able to accept and live graciously, the life that I am given. I hope that I can be happy with that.

But most of all,  I hope that I can be enough. Not enough for my family or friends, or even my husband. I hope to be enough for me.

"I’m not sorry you have learned to love yourself for your strength and courage. This journey is not easy, but you still get up every morning and find your inner strength even when it feels like there is none left."  (

This quote has resonated with me ever since I read this article. This is the battle that I try to win every day. This is what I hope for. That I can love myself for my strength and courage. Some days this is harder to do. But each day, I will never give up. I will learn to be enough. I will learn to love ME. I will have strength. I will have courage. I will have hope. I will be enough.