Over a year ago I purchased a 5 year diary. You know, one of those books where you write a sentence or two about your day, every day, for 5 years. Most of my days are boring "went to work," "date night with hubby," "sick AGAIN." A year ago, things were a little more dramatic.
A year ago we were still reeling that we had lost our baby from our first IVF transfer. My RE told me I had many options to choose from to "eliminate the products of conception." I could wait and see what my body wanted to do, I could take a medicine that would initiate the miscarriage, or I could have a D&C.
I couldn't imagine waiting and wondering when it would happen. And I wasn't quite ready for a surgical process. So I chose the medication. I read about it and heard stories from other women who had used it so I could prepare. What I wasn't prepared for was contractions. I was only 7 weeks so they weren't as intense as they were supposed to be 30+ weeks later, but they were stronger than anything I had felt before. I did it on a day off, when I would be by myself and when my husband would be at work. I wanted to be myself. I wanted to feel this pain, selfishly, alone. It was quick. Within an hour of taking the medicine, it was all over. I was no longer pregnant.
Our 5 year anniversary was two days later.
Fast forward a year later and I a pregnant again. It's my third pregnancy, but the only one that has made it this far. The only baby I have ever felt kick, who has ever made me feel sick, who has kept me awake at night. But he isn't the first baby to make me cry.
In a year things have drastically changed. I learned that I would never be able to carry a child without surgical intervention each time. We went through a long, emotional process when we discovered both our dogs had cancer, and then when we lost one. Then, before I thought I was ready, we found a new dog, who ended up healing me in ways I couldn't have imagined.
This has been the worst year but the best year. I have become a completely different person than I would have expected. My marriage to my husband has become something impenetrable. Sometimes he has been the only person to hold me up and I feel that we are stronger now than ever.
And then there's Huey. My son, who I have loved carrying these past 7 months. I love feeling him kick and move around. I love watching my husband's face as he feels his son kick his hand. I am terrified and ready to become a mother. I am so excited to watch my husband become a father.
Sometimes I can't believe that only a year has passed. Life changes in an instant.
And our 6 year anniversary is in two days.
