I just came back from the gym having achieved my fastest pace on a mile...EVER. And yet, I am still not proud of myself.
For most of my life I have had a weight problem. It has just been recently, looking back at photos from high school and college where I realized that I DIDN'T have a physical weight problem, but an emotional one.
You see, I never thought of myself as skinny, thin, or even of average-where-you're-supposed-to-be weight. I always thought I was overweight and fat. Oh, if only I knew.
If I had known that in reality I wasn't fat, that I wasn't overweight, I probably would have loved myself a whole lot more. I may not be where I am today. I may not be having to work so hard every.single.day. But if I ever get down to a weight and size that I'm comfortable with, I will love myself and love being me and I will NOT take it for granted.
People may think, "Well, your parents just didn't instill confidence in you or help raise your self-esteem."
My parents always supported me, told me I could be and do whatever I wanted (even if it was out in left field) and always told me how pretty and beautiful I was. Even now they tell me that and so does my husband, but it is still very, very hard to believe.
And I can't exactly pinpoint what it was and or when it was where I started feeling this way. I'd like to be able to point to a specific magazine, television ad, or person who might've influenced my self image, but I can't.
For those of you who don't know, it is really hard to be a girl. I know, I know, we make it look easy. But what you don't see is the countless hours trying new hairstyles to see which one frames your face. Or changing outfits seven times because you just can't find something that makes you feel pretty. Or sneaking makeup behind your mother's back because you're "too young" but those red blotches aren't going away by themselves. And what you really don't see is all the internal conflict.
And even when all that awful puberty, middle school and even high school stuff is over it's still hard.
I think that most girls have gone through this at some point in their lives. I think it's hard not to when we are constantly seeing girls with 0% body fat (thankfully this is not as prevalent as it used to be) on the cover of magazines, in TV and movies, etc. We think that if we can't feel or see all of our bones poking through our skin that something is wrong, that we're overweight and that we need to starve ourselves in order to be loved.
For me, it is a constant struggle. A daily struggle. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. Each day when I wake up and I stand in front of the mirror to brush my teeth I have to tell myself "You are beautiful. You are getting there." because sometimes that feeling just isn't there.
It's a daily struggle to get to where I want to be and some days it feels far easier to just give up. But I've got willpower now and I have a support team. I've already given up on myself once and I made a promise to never do that again. So no matter what, I keep going, keep trucking and keep pushing myself. And eventually something will happen, something will change.
Eventually, I'll get to where I'm supposed to be.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Kelley over at Over the Threshold nominated me for a Liebster Award. No idea what this is, other than some sort of blogging something...??
Anyway, in her nominating post she asked 11 questions of all her nominees. Another part is to nominate other bloggers, but I don't really know any bloggers except for the book blogs I follow, so I'll just answer the questions. They're pretty good questions, too. Maybe you guys'll know me better after reading this post!
Here are the questions and my corresponding answers:
1. What is your favorite season of the year and why?
I think it would have to be summer. By then, my allergies are (mostly) gone. It's not cold. I can spend a lot of time outside without freezing and without sneezing my brains out. Plus, I love going to the beach. My favorite place is sitting in a beach chair, feet in the surf, a beer in my hand and reading a good book.
2. How many siblings do you have? Brothers or sisters? Are you the youngest, oldest, or in the middle?
I have one younger brother.
3. Beach or mountains?
Beach, no doubt about it.
4. What is your favorite dessert?
Chocolate merengue pie. My grandmother used to make this every Christmas when I was little. I only had it once a year during the holidays and it was delicious. Now that she's getting older other family members help out with desserts (but chocolate merengue pie is still my favorite)
5. What is the most unusual illness or injury you've ever had? Were you in the hospital?
Can't say I've ever had an unusual illness or injury. I think probably the most "interesting" thing that's happened is that I had my tonsils out at age 12.
6. What is your favorite kitchen appliance?
My in-laws got me a stand mixer as a wedding present. It is pink. And I love it.
7. What is the last song you sang out loud?
Trey and I were driving back from Concord, NC this past weekend and we sang "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts" in our most loudest, most ridiculous voices (Trey won, of course).
8. If you had to eat at one fast food restaurant for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
Hmm. I don't really eat at fast food places anymore. Does Panera count as fast food? I mean, there's no drive thru or anything, but they're fairly quick.
9. What do you most hope readers will take away from your blog?
The main reason I (we) started this blog was because we had just gotten married and I figured we'd be more interesting. Turns out, we're not. But it's still a good way for friends and family who live away from us to keep up with what we're doing.
10. What is one brand to which you are loyal and why?
I can't really think of anything that I am particularly loyal to. I prefer Kraft cheeses, and will usually get that since they often have coupons and in general they're not much more expensive than store brand. But in general, not loyal at all. We stick mostly to store brands unless there's a big sale and there are coupons.
11. What would you do if you had 6-8 months to do anything you wanted and only what you wanted? (so you don't have to work)
Travel. I would spend 2-3 weeks in each destination (Rome, Naples, Greece, London, Egypt, Beijing, Brazil...) Of course, this would also require an unlimited amount of money as traveling is expensive. If unlimited money is not part of the deal then I would probably spend a lot of time reading, maybe take a class at VCU, go to various wineries and spend time with my husband and family.
And I had to post this picture: