Thursday, September 8, 2016

You are not a Failure

Today has been difficult. Not the most difficult day I've had so far on this journey, but definitely not the easiest. Truthfully, I don't know that I could classify any day thus far as "easy" but you know what I mean.

You are not a Failure. Yes, I am capitalizing the "F" on purpose. It is a proper noun to me now. At least once a day these words have to go through my head; I have to say to myself that I am not a Failure, because otherwise those dark, failure-like feelings will stick. You are not a Failure.

It's hard, though, to think of myself as not a Failure. Some days I think in the dictionary, were one to look up the word "failure," my picture would be there. Right next to the word. And you wouldn't need a lengthy, wordy description, because it would just be me.

My body has failed. One of the many preprogrammed things it is supposed to do, it doesn't. Not without some poking and prodding and maybe an injection or two-sometimes. The millions of years, eggs are released from ovaries, descend into the Fallopian tubes, become fertilized and implant in the uterus. Sounds like four easy things to do and yet I've failed them all.  And if my history is correct I've been failing them for years before I even knew. I was a Failure before I knew to call myself one.

The thing about infertility (and yes, that IS what we're talking about here) is that it doesn't just affect one person. There's a reason that couples say "WE are infertile." or "WE are having trouble becoming pregnant." Yes, in this case, I am the only one with the problem but consider this: if my husband ended up with someone else, he may not be experiencing any of this, right? Therefore, WE are infertile.

In this time of waiting, of wondering how much longer, how much more pain, how much more Failure, and yes, how much more money, I wonder why.  Why is this my burden? Why am I broken? Why do we have to go through so much so that my husband can become a father? So that my parents can be grandparents? WHY is it me? Why me?

1 in 8, you know. 1 in 8 couples are facing infertility. ONE IN EIGHT. With those odds, chances are you know someone, probably you know two someones. Maybe they haven't come out of the shadows yet. Maybe they're not ready to be vulnerable and to have all of their sadness out in the air-where people can hurt you even more. And that's ok. I struggled for awhile to talk about our infertility. It wasn't until  a then-acquaintance of mine shared her story, right after I was diagnosed with PCOS perfect timing, eh? It wasn't until then that I was ready to share mine. I don't want anyone to ever feel like they are on this journey alone. No one is alone. It may feel like you are, for awhile at least, and some days are so crushing that you know you are the only person on the planet who knows what this is like. But no one is alone. You are not alone.

Today, I may have felt like a Failure for most of the day. Today, I may not have kept all of my positivity. Today, I am struggling. Today, I need you to hold my hand, to hold my head up because I am so exhausted I can't by myself. Today, I need you to let me lean on you. But tomorrow, tomorrow is a new day and you might need me to hold you up-and I will. I will hold you, I will comfort you. No one is alone on this journey. You are not alone. And you are not a Failure.

PS-to read about my friend's amazing journey check out her blog

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