Friday, October 6, 2017

Letters to an Embryo-Part 1

Are you ok? I mean, I know you're frozen. It's kinda weird, right? You're a frozen five day old embryo and I'm talking to you. I hope you're okay. I hope you don't end up loving cold weather and snow and things like that because of this. I mean, your dad would love that. He'd have someone to go skiing with. The only thing I like doing on cold days is staying by the fire wrapped up. But maybe you'll like that, too. Anyway. You and your eight brothers and sisters went into the cryofreeze together. I wonder how many of you we'll get to meet. I wonder how many of you I'll mourn.


Well. It's been two months. We're thawing one of you little embabies out. I hope you survive it. My greatest fear going to the clinic today is that they'll try to thaw all of you and no one will make it.

But you made it! You, little embaby survived the ice age! It was so cool watching you go in. I feel so lucky to be able to have watched it, not many people get to, you know.

Here you are:

Our little thawed blastocyst.

Stick, baby, stick!


This waiting is awful. Is that you sticking? Is that you burrowing deeper? Are you the reason I hate the smell of peanut butter now? I am so anxious. And so tired of waiting. I'd thought by now I have a strong feeling either way, but it looks like we'll have to wait until beta day to know. If I can wait that long.


Am I a mother now? Technically I AM pregnant. They don't call us PUPO for nothing! But if you don't make it, either now or later, am I a mother? I have loved you, all of you, since the moment I knew there 9 of you. I mourned the 13 of you that didn't make it. Even though you have no consciousness, not yet anyway, no heartbeat, you're still mine. And even if I only get to carry you for two weeks, I will consider myself lucky.


Tomorrow is the day! We find out if we are lucky enough to keep you with us!

I wonder what kind of person you'll be? In 9 months will I be able to kiss your nose? Will I teach you about kindness and how to be a friend? Will I watch your daddy snuggle you and teach you how to feed the dogs? Will I find you snuggled up with the dogs, all of you snoring? In 9 months will I be able to hold you, to smell you, to never let you go? Will you let me take care of you and love you forever?

I can't wait to find out.

Well, here we are. Moments after two phone calls. One that brought a little hope. And the other than smashed it all away. The HCG test came back. It was 12. Technically, it means that you're there. But really, it means that you're there and not doing well. We're going to test again in a few days so grow, grow, grow! What could I have done differently? Did I eat the wrong thing? Did I not drink enough water? Could I not provide a nice home for you to snuggle into? Did you know that I started looking at onesies? I thought, since you were making me feel all these things, that you'd get to stick around. And I got my hopes up. I got them up too high and now they're crashing down. But there's still a twinkling of a possibility that you're in there. Really in there.  So come on little embaby, grow!
Still waiting. The waiting is the worst. At least it's active waiting; we're still doing progesterone shots, I'm still taking medications. But we're still waiting. It's hard waiting, too. Because we're basically waiting to hear if you're real or not. In just a few days we'll know. This is the meanest trick of all. To KNOW that you're there, and to feel all the symptoms. But for there to be the possibility that you're not going to be there for much longer. Your daddy (is he a daddy yet?) is hoping that you're in there. We're all hoping you're there. There's so many people praying and wishing and hoping for you.
Little embaby!! You are growing so much! We got our second beta back and it was 87! That's almost EIGHT times what it was! You're definitely letting your Mama know you're growing because she is feeling just a little bit nauseated most of the time. But that's okay. You just keep growing and growing and getting nice and big and strong so we can meet you in 9 months! We are so excited that our numbers went up; we're so proud of you and are so happy that you're sticking!
You are definitely letting your Mama know you're in there today! Nausea and some cramps-but you keep growing! Keep doing what you're doing! Don't you worry about me-I'll do all this and more if it means I get feel you grow over the next 9 months! Keep growing, little one!
Well, little one, you did it! I am very proud of you! Beta went up to 466!! We're doing an early ultrasound to make sure you're where you're supposed to be. I can't believe this is happening. I am so excited and so scared that something will happen. Keep getting bigger! We already love you so much and can't wait to meet you in 8 months!
So we had our first OB ultrasound today! We saw your little home for the next 8 months! We couldn't see you, you're a little too small right now. But it was so nice to see where you are! We go back to see your little heartbeat in a little over a week! Your Daddy thinks he knows what your name will be but I promise you I won't let him give you ALL those names! We love you so much little peanut!

This is my last letter to you. We had an ultrasound today and you're gone. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't keep you safe. I'm so sorry that I couldn't give you what you needed. We are absolutely heartbroken. Your Daddy says that it was so nice having you for the 7 weeks we did. I wish I had enjoyed it and hadn't worried so much. But I am so so grateful I got to be your mommy. I wish that we could have taken you home. I wish that I could have kissed you goodbye. I'll never know what your laugh sounded like, or whether you like crunchy or creamy peanut butter. I'm so sorry my love. I'm sorry I've failed you. I hate that you're going where I can't follow. I'm your mother, I'm supposed to take care of you. Goodbye, little one. We love you.

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