Thursday, July 19, 2018

A Letter to God

Dear God,

I know we don't talk much. We have a long past of me not talking to you, unless I'm angry or grateful. I've been mostly angry and hopeless lately, so you've been getting a lot of that.

But now I'm coming to you on behalf of someone else. Still for purely selfish reasons, but it's for someone else.

You see, just a few days ago we transferred a couple of embryos. I have mostly been annoyed and ill-tempered while waiting to see if they stick. If these don't, then we only have 4 more embryos. That means I will have lost five. I will have lost more than what I have left. And I can't. I need someone to live. I need to not feel like a failure again and again. I need to not say goodbye all the time. I can't lose another baby. I can't only be a mother to fur babies and angel babies. If that is going to be Your will then You will need to change me. You will need to change me into a completely different person, someone who doesn't want children. Someone who doesn't hurt every time someone else has a baby. Someone who doesn't get jealous or frustrated or cry themselves to sleep at night because they feel to empty. You will have to change me into someone else.

These embabies don't deserve this. They deserve to be warm and cuddled for 9 months and then warm and cuddled by me for the rest of their lives. They do not deserve to be buried in the flower garden. They do not deserve to be called "the products of conception" after it is discovered they are no longer viable. You have already caused this hurt to three of my embabies already. Don't do it to the rest. Give me something. Please don't leave me with nothing. Please don't leave them alone and in the ground. No parent should have to bury their matter how old they are.

So you see, this is a plea for them. So that they can live. So that I can show them this beautiful world. So that I can teach them to make it a better place. So that they can fall in love and be loved by someone and have wonderful friendships and passions and hobbies. So that maybe one day they can change someone's life.

You have already taken too many. You already have enough of my children. Let me get to keep one. Let me hold one and raise one. Let me have one. All I want is one. Just don't take anymore from me. My heart can't take it anymore.

I am begging you.                                                                                            

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