Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Letters to Harley

Harley, my love, my first baby,

You've been gone 5 days now. My heart is broken. Today is your birthday. You would have been 10. I thought we had much more time than that. I wanted more time than that. I am so sorry. I am so sorry I couldn't save you. I am so sorry that that your last days were filled with doctor appointments and procedures instead of the love and comfort you deserved.

I am so sorry that when your lesions were oozing I wouldn't let you up on the couch or on the bed for fear of getting things dirty. Things can be washed. Things can be cleaned. I chose clean over the comfort that you needed. I chose clean over snuggling you. I am so sorry. I am so sorry I was more worried about doing extra laundry than I was about making you feel better. I thought we had more time. I thought we had years and that you would get better.

I am sorry that when we brought you to the vet on your last day that I just looked at you on the floor. You were looking up at me and I knew something was wrong. You couldn't hold your head up. You couldn't stand on your own. You were looking for love and comfort and I couldn't get down on the floor with you. The next time I held you a few minutes later you weren't looking at me. You were already slipping away.

I hope you know that I loved you then. Even when I may have shooed you away or not let you do something, I always loved you. I love you still. And I am so sorry. I don't know that I'll ever forgive myself for everything that happened. But I hope you're at peace. I hope you know you are loved and that we were there with you at the very end. That mommy held your head and kissed your ear at the very end. That I felt your chest stop rising at the end.

Sometimes I think I see you lying on the couch. Or snoring. Or I see your little foot hanging off the couch. Sometimes I smell your smell; a good warm smell. And I like to think you're close by.

I want you to have fun and be free and get lots of good running and naps in. But then I want you to come home. Come home to me. Come home and let me love you and snuggle you and comfort you. You deserved everything. And I failed. Come home and let me make it up to you. I don't know how to be without you here with me.

I love you and miss you so much.


your mommy

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