I just came back from the gym having achieved my fastest pace on a mile...EVER. And yet, I am still not proud of myself.
For most of my life I have had a weight problem. It has just been recently, looking back at photos from high school and college where I realized that I DIDN'T have a physical weight problem, but an emotional one.
You see, I never thought of myself as skinny, thin, or even of average-where-you're-supposed-to-be weight. I always thought I was overweight and fat. Oh, if only I knew.
If I had known that in reality I wasn't fat, that I wasn't overweight, I probably would have loved myself a whole lot more. I may not be where I am today. I may not be having to work so hard every.single.day. But if I ever get down to a weight and size that I'm comfortable with, I will love myself and love being me and I will NOT take it for granted.
People may think, "Well, your parents just didn't instill confidence in you or help raise your self-esteem."
My parents always supported me, told me I could be and do whatever I wanted (even if it was out in left field) and always told me how pretty and beautiful I was. Even now they tell me that and so does my husband, but it is still very, very hard to believe.
And I can't exactly pinpoint what it was and or when it was where I started feeling this way. I'd like to be able to point to a specific magazine, television ad, or person who might've influenced my self image, but I can't.
For those of you who don't know, it is really hard to be a girl. I know, I know, we make it look easy. But what you don't see is the countless hours trying new hairstyles to see which one frames your face. Or changing outfits seven times because you just can't find something that makes you feel pretty. Or sneaking makeup behind your mother's back because you're "too young" but those red blotches aren't going away by themselves. And what you really don't see is all the internal conflict.
And even when all that awful puberty, middle school and even high school stuff is over it's still hard.
I think that most girls have gone through this at some point in their lives. I think it's hard not to when we are constantly seeing girls with 0% body fat (thankfully this is not as prevalent as it used to be) on the cover of magazines, in TV and movies, etc. We think that if we can't feel or see all of our bones poking through our skin that something is wrong, that we're overweight and that we need to starve ourselves in order to be loved.
For me, it is a constant struggle. A daily struggle. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. Each day when I wake up and I stand in front of the mirror to brush my teeth I have to tell myself "You are beautiful. You are getting there." because sometimes that feeling just isn't there.
It's a daily struggle to get to where I want to be and some days it feels far easier to just give up. But I've got willpower now and I have a support team. I've already given up on myself once and I made a promise to never do that again. So no matter what, I keep going, keep trucking and keep pushing myself. And eventually something will happen, something will change.
Eventually, I'll get to where I'm supposed to be.